I’ve slowly but surely distanced myself from my “dream world,” I used to spend every single day planning a shoot, attending a shoot, or styling for one. There were times I felt the most confident I’ve ever felt, and more times contemplating ways to better myself in order to ease the pressure of confidence, and settle into who I am and who I was becoming. There were so many people contacting me sharing that my 4o1 fierce site was entertaining, and they loved my “voice.”
I have loved to write since I can remember. It was obviously required throughout grade school, but I loved my English homework. My journalism homework; reading a book after homework. I remember so clearly going to Florida when I was about 9 years old. I brought a little journal with me for all of the Disney characters to sign in. Except, I opened it on the plane ride there. I began to vent to my journal about how scared I was to fly.
This memory so little to me became so significant to me just last week. James and I took a flight to Florida. We had a full flight, and we boarded last because we didn’t bring Avynn with us (for specific reasons). We sat in the back row of the plane right in front of the bathroom (yuck!). However, rising above the clouds always intrigued me and at almost 24 years old, I was still amazed being above something so incredible. My “routine” that I left miles and miles below the clouds. It opened my eyes completely. We pushed through some storm clouds and turbulence, all to coast through sunny, relaxed skies. All while experiencing this I realized in my head I was talking myself through the journey. Flying always made me nervous, because come on, look at the world we live in today! But at the moment I was coaching myself through it. Not with a pen in my hand, but a thought in my head. Keeping a journal and venting to a diary was always a first comfort for me. Realizing that I was now old enough to cling to James was not the only way I found comfort in my flight. Being miles and miles away from a life that I have reflected on for months-was something I really needed.
Back in Rhode Island I was going through an identity crisis. Spending 10 months sharing my body with another human being was enough to bless me for the rest of my life. It blessed my brain, and my every thought. I began reflecting too much on what I went through and this began weakening me. With words from outsiders, opinions, and financial struggle; I began to break down. Think about how much we as individuals judge ourselves. Our solution to this is either maintaining a mindset of “I don’t care what anyone thinks or says,” constantly beating ourselves up over it, or making goals to fix it. For me, I could not find peace with any option. It was all because I realized in only a quick 2 years that I’ve birthed another human, I have been re-thinking, re-tracing my every move. I now have someone who is allowed to judge me, who I am allowed to change for. I am now who she looks to.
That was enough pressure to give me a breakdown. It happened. I began to make changes to allow peace in my life.
No one is perfect, but not a lot of people can accept and admit when they fail. It wasn’t until a grown man, and someone who I very well respect, sent me an email informing me of how he and some of his co-workers enjoyed my passion for women/feminism. Little boosts from outsiders does not fuel my confidence, but instead fuels my drive to inspire. With my #breakteeth campaign my goal was to inspire those and remind those of acceptance. Who we are is slowing becoming “who we were.” Not many stay true to themselves anymore. Social media, entertainment, and society sucked all “naturals” away. Living in a lifestyle that is so close to the “real world” has made me really think; and really #Breakteeth.
My trip allowed me to spend time with my father, and hash out my childhood to make peace. My road trip home showed me trees so big; I felt so small. I felt so humble, so down-to-earth, so in touch with myself. When James and I drove through Jacksonville, we gave a meal to a homeless man who responded to us with “Jesus loves you.” Something sounding so small became so big. The homeless population always incorporates mixed emotions from the world. Some say they chose the life, some say they deserve it;others “feel bad.” Just the quick stop with this man made me think about how small my problems really are. All things I thought were crumbling from my fingers, could always be grasped, and re-built. All things that have passed me, are not for me. We have full control. I have full control. My dreams could have been reachable through my “what ifs.” But we are here today, breathing, moving, while the world spins. I can’t control what is gone, but what is left. I have had dark thoughts, and ones so bright I felt as though I was blind from the weight of my own goals.
I gave up on things I’ve once felt were so near, and now that I fell off of the ladder, I have learned to build new steps instead. Wooden ones. They will get wet and get weak. They will creak and splinter, but wood is natural, and ladders are man-made.
I have committed to filming for a very big network, and my trial is in just a short 3 weeks. I will then be re-building my portfolio with the objective of embracing what it feels to be a woman. I will actively be using my 4O1 Fierce as an outlet for all of my social media accounts.
#Breakteeth for me has just evolved. It’s not just about trying to remind women of their beauty, remind them of the goods. Sometimes we work best under pressure. For me, I do not. I do not work well when stressed. But what I can admit is that there is beauty in the break down. If you have to break down first to build yourself back up, and you realize your journey; you are already winning. Break down to then show teeth. Go through the lowest, just to smile when you’re way up.
I hope to encourage someone, anyone out there to push, climb, and build. We are so so tiny in a huge harsh world. Fulfill your passions, and even if you break down, #breakteeth