Hi!! It’s been forever-ever, and surprisingly i’m happy about it. Mostly because I’ve taken so much time to get back in-touch with myself; and re-humble. I came to many realizations and at this point in time I’m feeling relieved, rested, and ready!
For years I blocked out reality unintentionally. I’ve always been surrounded by others who have built me up with compliments, faith, and a helping hand. So for years I never had to “try” to be happy, or “try” to be anything more than me. Growing up I remember my first passion- running. Playing manhunt and tag with my friends and sisters; I realized I was pretty fast at running. It made me feel confident knowing I was good at something. In life it seems it’s always what we have, and are great at make us feel confident.
I remember in 4th grade the last day of school we had a fitness test outside during recess. We had to complete 4 laps around the field. Each time you completed a lap you collected a straw from the teacher. The goal was to get 4 straws or more. Now let me remind you of a few things, I just got done saying I was a fast runner, but I failed to mention the only time I was super “active” was in the summertime. So end of the school year meant I haven’t really ran in awhile. I could feel my heart beating out of my chest, and I only had 2 straws in my hand. The teacher wasn’t putting pressure on anyone to finish, we had a half an hour left of school and after laps were completed we could play as we pleased.
This was my very first experience (that I can remember/that “stuck”) where I pushed myself. The teacher just smiled at me as I hit the corner of the field on my way to her to grab my 3rd straw. As I said, she didn’t pressure anyone, but she did congratulate the students who finished with their 4th straw. This pushed me. I watched 4, 5, 6 students already playing on the dome, and running around the playground. I then heard the voice inside my head, my ‘confidence.’ I grabbed my 3rd straw and sprinted to corner #1, then jogged to the next corner, then sprinted again. I created a technique that worked for me, and allowed me to grab straw #4. But then I couldn’t get my feet to stop running. With the same technique I ran the field one last time and achieved straw #5. The only student in 20-something students to go the extra lap. Crazy how much this story speaks to me 17 years later.
Back then the looks of the other students as the teacher announced my accomplishment never bothered me. I stayed confident and smiled. I so badly wanted to keep those 5 cheap familiar striped straws. Something about handing them back to my teacher gave me a weird gut-feeling.
This small story is more than straws, I realized my strength like all children do, because when we are young we are innocent, unexposed, and unapologetic. The craziest part about my story is I remember my teacher out of the corner of her eyes roll them at me, like I was so “extra” and she was so annoyed as she waited for me to go the extra lap. Some how that didn’t phase me at that moment, but now it sticks.
As I grew through life I feel that I didn’t start judging myself ever until I became a mother, and this unfortunately didn’t work in my favor. Giving birth to Avynn felt like my biggest accomplishment. Prior to pregnancy I made selfish mistakes, learned the harshest lessons, lost friends, and pushed others away to focus on family. At the time I felt great, but something was still missing. Before becoming pregnant I was a workaholic, and loved to create in my spare time. Since I was young, adults, peers, and youth would always compliment my creations, and I allowed fear to take over. What if I mess up? Just like I’ve made mistakes in the past, I felt hey, if I make a mistake in my art, I will have a bad experience with the future. How crazy was my brain? Confident Kasha, became Kasha who would never stop overthinking. I stopped creating, gave birth to Avynn, and stopped going to school. So I threw away my goals, and my passion; and transitioned into Motherhood. Avynn became my world; our world.
Since over 4 years ago when I went through with my first pregnancy, I have evolved. I hate saying ‘changed,’ because the little voice-in-my-head is still the same. I just never chose to listen to her; especially in times of fault, dishonesty, and disloyalty.
There is a lot I will not mention, because huge parts of my life I never, will never, and have never shared on social media. I believe social media should be used as a positive outlet, and too much is never good. However, I went through a depression, and the worse part about it wasn’t pushing friends/family away, losing friends, or stopping my education, those can all be fixed. The worse part was losing myself. Ignoring the little voice, making excuses, and shutting out reality. I did this for 3.5 years. I settled, I worked my ass off for others, and put myself last. This entire time I was completely unhappy in my head with who I was becoming and never took the leap to a fresh start.
They say having 1 child is tough, but having 2 is like having 20 and they are not lying!
Ivory came along, and I felt a burst of happiness again, I was engaged to the love of my life, had a beautiful completed family, and started to create goals for myself again. But goals are nothing if you aren’t reaching, running, or climbing. Many of my goals were never met because of my “back-up plans.” These were times where I’ve convinced myself that where I was at was normal and perfectly fine with the circumstances I was given, and I would ride those experiences out. The common ground for all was that they slowly ended. I don’t put blame on anyone aside from myself. Finding excuses in life always has an underlying meaning and message. I’ve discovered, and knowingly all along this was embedded in my journey; my Lane.
Working with other people and for other people is an amazing experience. I have 0 regrets of my life lessons (aside from a few which was my doing). I have learned skills, the industry, but most of all, I have learned exactly who I am. Why I feel the way I feel and why I do the things I do. I have a creative mind, and I have shut her out for far too long. I’ve given glimpses to others of my talents and I believe these experiences have brought me to my next chapter in life. I am a mother of two first before I am anything else. If I can be who I want to be while being the best mother I can be, then why would I ever give that up? Because of being a mother all I’ve heard these past 4+ years are “You do what you can with what you have” NOPE. I’ve always let doubting words go in one ear, and out. What I couldn’t succeed in was putting all of my ability into other experiences because there were limits.What I can do is prove myself wrong, and prove to my girls that anyone can accomplish anything with passion, dedication, and faith. With me in control, I am limitless.
This is a message to anyone depressed, anyone who needs humbling, anyone who feels they want to give up, or anyone who has been ignoring their “little voice.” Having children does put a bump in your life, physically, financially and emotionally, haha. Having children does not mean your life is over, your goals end, or you necessarily have to give up all of your passions. Life is about balance. I believe balance will be an ongoing adjustment in my life, but now I’ve come to earth with myself. I wished and prayed, was in the sky with my reality, and now I’ve landed. With self realization came a plan. I planned to keep my goal of school in September, while living through my creativity in design. I’ve always customized clothing, and the ongoing question was always ‘Kasha do you still make ___? I want them so bad. Family and friends, and of course James always told me to go for it but I took these compliments as them just being “nice.” Let me tell you, if you have someone in your life who pushes you, sees the fire in your eyes and continues to light that spark-never take advantage of them. James perfected my first collection.
My excuses have ended. I’m making amends with people, experiences, and my flaws. Fear comes natural but this is what I’ve learned- Accepting that you are not fearless is what makes you fierce. So this is the beginning of a new journey, a Lane, and best believe it is a Fierce one.
We launched Fierce Lane last night, and I’ve already received an overwhelming amount of support and response. I am not screaming my accomplishments, only inspiring those who feel they are holding back in life. Cut the rope, cut ties, and go for it! I mentioned earlier how things in life that we are great at make us confident, For me, all of my flaws, faults, and negative experiences have built me back up. Allow your downfalls to dub-you-up!
My first collection is called the “6th Collection,” 6th grade was the first time in my life where I was thrown out of my comfort zone. I moved to a new town and still remained unapologetic. I was me, I made friends, I stayed confident, and wait for it……I wore pink every.single.day. I loved something, I stuck with it, and bam. The 6th Collection is my first set of “Strip slides.” I can’t wait to share more details with you, however I am now awaiting my patent and can’t share too much!
This was the longest.post.ever.
Thank you for listening, I hope you love my new Lane
xx, 4o1 Fierce