Today I want to take a step back, and step into my power again. Power comes in all forms in my life, but what it always boils down to are the deepest feelings that overwhelm my body in the most motivating and inspiring ways.
I’ve always tended to “blog” the easy way- quick posts on Instagram, because Lord knows I wasn’t finding enough time to write a full post, edit it, add photos, then link it here, there, and everywhere.
But today, I realized again-the power of social media. I woke up to a negative comment; but then a massive amount of emails and messages of people reaching out in all directions- from beauty questions with products i’m trying out, and even work opportunities.
Around 10 am this morning I regained my power. I was finally in control again in my life. And in control, and in my power, is not being “perfect,” or having a “smooth” day. In control and in my power feels crazy; chaotic. FIERCE.
I’ve been avoiding small tasks lately- putting clean laundry away, scrubbing lipstick off my rug, cleaning the toilet seat- showering. haha #momlife right? right!
10 am was the start of a conversation that landed me another at-home job-score! Then 11:15 am was a call leading to progress for my brand. I immediately felt a rush fill my body when I hung up these calls. Partially in control of today and my near future. I sent the emails I needed to send, and stumbled across a friend’s Facebook post. She described a hard day with her toddler. I’ve seen a ton of these posts lately. I’ve been so inspired by these, and lost the drive to also speak of these topics because I was at a 9-5 for almost a year and didn’t get to witness full blown motherhood at the time.
After explaining to my friend how amazing she is, I walked into my room and I felt the first bit of overwhelm. I walked in to find my 2 year old created yet again another disaster. Every day is a new one. I’ve hesitated to post experiences because of judgment from “non parents,” but shit; i’m transparent, and my energy is protected. No one can sway how I feel about myself or how I decided to raise my girls/ embrace motherhood.
Ivory is my little thunder. I call her and Avynn “thunder and lightning,” I looked at my desk, and there she was. Mind you, while I was on the phone I was making sure to keep checking in on her to make sure she was still on my bed watching “Coco.” Now my desk is decently organized-but not technically “child proof.” There’s eye shadow palettes, makeup brushes, lip stick etc. Child proofing is great, but my desk is for me, so I’ve been trying to teach my girls to respect others personal boundaries when it comes to materials.
Any wayssssss- She turns around at me and boom, full blown raccoon face.Eye shadow eyes, painted face, lip stick, and hands covered in my brand new eye shadow palette. My desk chair covered. My white comforter covered. Mind you, a few weeks back I was finishing up dishes (trusting her to play in her room with her dolls) when I walked into the same exact scenario. It was so wild I had to document it in video. Which I will be posting a video on my channel about the Fierce realities of Mom.
Granted, okay shes two it’s going to take time to teach her the concept of boundaries. So, I grab her by the arms so her hands cant touch anything else, and run the tub for her. I give running water baths while I cleaned the toilet. These are baths where I don’t plug the tub, and just let her free play in the water, with cups and ABC foam letters.
So I clean the bathroom, she plays. I get her out, she gets herself dressed in some jammies and I was fine with that. I lay her in the bed because nap time for miss Ivory is 11a-12p or 11:30a-12:30p. What a laugh today, meanwhile it’s 12:!5 she’s cried for “yo-get,” (yogurt), and I denied her 3x after her having a donut this morning, half of my breakfast sandwich, 2 sips of my coffee that I bribed her with when she brought her dads soda bottle to me, crying for that.
Lately I’ve been trying to say “yes” to my girls more. Mostly because my 6 year old thinks i’m a “mean mom.” More importantly because saying yes has eased a little more anxiety for me and dodged a few more tantrums from both girls. Helping them will help me, which helps them. I just don’t want “brats,” or “spoiled ones.”
So next, nap time attempt #3. I stopped working, and realized -shit she’s such a little babe I need to treat her like a baby for a minute. I picked her up and began singing, and rocking her. She cries for pasta. I tell her once she wakes up from her nap I will make it for her. I tell her, “your belly needs to rest.” She tells me “my hungry mommy.” I ignore her 2-year-old requests and start singing. Always improv-made-up lullaby’s. They work for 30 seconds because she’s confused at why there’s so many songs involving her.
She stiffens her body and throws the 4th tantrum since waking up. I laugh at her because of how strong she is and how hard it was for me to contain her long body. She gets so angry. I told her to close her eyes and began to blow softly on her face saying over and over “my beautiful baby, awwww, close your eyes baby, I love you, i’m gonna rock you, go to sleep.” She started to calm down and close her eyes. I thought “yasssssss.” …….nope. She opens her eyes and says “okay mommy I sleep.” (Meaning she thinks she slept because she closed her eyes for almost 3 minutes). I busted out laughing because she’s so cute it’s disgusting how much this one controls my emotions-i love it.
She then tries to distract me and tells me to look at her foot, then continues to show me every “boo boo” she has. All I wanted to do was answer all of these messages and emails blowing up my phone. But I realized this moment I wouldn’t feel again once shes no longer interested in cuddling with me. I figured hey make her the pasta, fill her belly-then get back to work.
Meanwhile I write this and it’s 2:30. Her sister gets off the bus at 3:10/3:15 depending on the day. We ran all errands this morning, and stayed outside running around the trees letting the sun “kiss us” as we say. But today, my plan was to put away that dirty laundry, answer those emails, clean that toilet seat and shit maybe take a shower for the first time in 2 days?
I came into my power again by letting go. Releasing the anxiety and pressure to do it all. Today I had to cater to the every need, crumb, and bittersweet cuddle of my two year old.
Being fierce is realizing each fear. Fear of deadlines, imperfection, and mistakes- but doing it all anyways. Bossing up every day and making sure I chip away at mastering what “balance” truly is.
I made a promise to myself today to answer each scream from my higher self. Today she was screaming to keep embracing my journey- with it first being motherhood and remaining natural, organic, and transparent.
And if you need a laugh today- here’s one: I finally looked over to see this (I smiled so big), and right when she heard the click of my camera she wiggled a bit and then finally woke up and whined for “more pasta please mama.” It’s 2:42 pm and still no nap; sigh – I got this.